Which is worth more in your life: being happy or finding meaning?

You may have read that Westerners are too concerned with “being happy.” That in Eastern cultures, suffering is considered a part of life, and “too much” happiness might upset the balance of things and bring about bad luck. So, we are encouraged to be open to all experiences along the spectrum of emotion, and focus less on the pursuit of the concept of “happiness.”

I think the truth must be more subtle than that. True, we cannot expect to be blissfully grinning from ear to ear, on vacation from life’s responsibilities, every minute. But there are many kinds of happiness, some that stir you to overflowing joy and some that simply inspire a peace deep inside you.

I was meeting recently over Zoom with a colleague who had been in the same Ph.D. program with me (many moons ago!). I have had several of these calls with connections outside my university since the pandemic. I find I approach these calls like a parched wanderer: in the desert of academic community or feedback, I thirst for any connection or validation.

My friend and colleague said something that really made me pause and think:

If you’re not happy, that is a good enough reason to make a change.

He was reminding me that we don’t have to force ourselves to “fit,” to be happy and fulfilled, in an environment where we don’t or aren’t. Rather, we can give ourselves permission to leave things aside that no longer serve us, and find a better fit for ourselves. Instead of thinking that we are broken for not fitting, let’s normalize thinking that it is perfectly reasonable, and neutral, for an institution and individual to be mismatched (as a purely random example… of course).

Think about this idea in another context: trying on clothes. If you wear dresses (or even if you don’t), the conventional wisdom is that if a dress does not fit your body, it means that your body is the problem. On the contrary, since the dress’s very purpose is to fit and flatter you, it is not serving its function if it doesn’t: it’s broken, not you. Find a dress (or relationship, or job, or living situation, etc.) that truly fits you.

Being Happy < Finding Meaning

Easier said than done, right? How do you get started? Rather than happiness, joy, or (the now-passé concept of) passion, what humans can seek that is more stable than these is: meaning. What are your core values as a human? Connection, fame, stability, adventure, independence, community, …? (Check out this free resource for guidance on selecting values and aligning them to actions.) Finding opportunities that align with your own values will bring you more meaning than forcing yourself to follow others’ values.

Don’t stay in a job/lab/project/relationship just because you think you’re supposed to be happy there, or because you once were. Ask yourself: what do you seek in your life to help you find meaning? Where can you find like-minded individuals and institutions that will fulfill that quest for meaning?

If you find yourself in need of a coach to help you identify the parts of your work that are the most meaningful for you, or new opportunities that better align with your values, contact me to chat about my services 🙂

Woman Surrounded By Sunflowers photo by Andre Furtado under CC.